Journal | Getting Over The Fear of Doubting God

From childhood, I was taught the principles of Christianity and I firmly believed them. As I was told to do, I always studied to show myself approved (2 Timothy 2:15). So, as a teen I spent many weekends curled up in bed with notebooks, pens, highlighters, a study Bible and concordance. Yes, my personal Bible study was intense! I was desperate to know more about God. I had questions that needed to be answered, so I scoured the scriptures for them. I needed to know more about God? His plans for this world? His plans for my life? What is the purpose of life? 

Searching for answers, I would turn to ministers and older Christian relatives. But of course their responses would lead to more questions. When they'd run out of things to say or couldn't come up with reasonable answers I would get the:

"God's ways or not our ways" 

Or the, "Foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of man" response.

Or the ever popular, "Don't question God".

Anekia, you need to learn how to be humble.

If I was told to follow a certain Biblical rule or read scripture that didn't make sense to me, I questioned it which was often mistaken as an act of defiance. I never understood why it wasn't allowed. I had a need to question God. It was never in me to blindly follow a list of rules which I didn't understand the purpose of.

I chose to attend college away from home. While away I continued to go to church, but I also began to develop my own perspectives which didn't fit into the Biblical teachings I was raised to believe. When I returned home from college, I felt as if I no longer fit into the Christian way of life. I felt disconnected from God as my own thoughts and beliefs were being transformed. I continued going to church, but I no longer felt connected to God in that space. I thought maybe I needed to find another church home. Another place where I can feel connected. No matter where I settled I felt the same. 

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
— Revelation 3:15-16

Lawd, Call Me Cold!

The biggest fear of being a skeptical believer is being considered what God calls lukewarm. For this reason,  I declared myself cold. I know I am not hot. I am struggling with doubt. Not doubt in the existence of God, but doubt in the validity of the Biblical texts. The set of Bible based doctrines I was raised to believe.

Clouded with doubt I have chosen to be honest with God. Honest about my disagreements with many of His teachings. Honest about my misgivings of Biblical history and stories as it written in the Bible. The truth is there are a lot of things I have become quite unsettled with or simply fail to fully understand. Letting God know I have not lost faith in Him, I choose to be cold as I honestly express my qualms in prayer. 

I am going to argue that doubt is completely compatible with faith. In fact, it is required. If you doubt nothing you are not exercising faith at all, because you think you have certainty...Doubt is an inescapable consequence of being a finite creature in a broken world.”
— Dan Taylor, The Skeptical Believer


Are there any doubts or fears that you are struggling to let go? What is it that you need to open up to God and be honest about?