Journal| A God Much Bigger Than I Ever Imagined

I remember the days when I was hungry for the presence of God.


As a young girl I was taught to revere God. To believe in God with an unwavering faith. To never question a word of the Holy Bible. To perform the necessary actions to feel the warm embrace from the divine Father. So with devotion, I studied the scripture, sang hymns and whispered daily prayers. In church my ears would soak up every utterance from the preacher’s mouth, waiting for the moment of God’s sweet presence to sweep over me.

To my friends and family around me I was dressed in the armor of God, baring the shield of faith. When the truth was embedded deep inside me, was doubt.


I was filled with questions. Questions I dare not ask because if I did I would be admonished with the words “You dare not question God”. Words that did nothing to quiet the stirring of doubt deep within me. Words that moved me to fear. I was afraid that admitting I had doubts would affirm my disbelief in God.

But I never doubted the existence of God. God’s presence in my life was much too real for me to make such a claim. But I had my doubts in religion. 

So, to settle my qualms I began to dig deep within the scripture. And, the more I studied the scripture the more I came face-to-face with doubt. The more my mind would wrestle with my spirit until I was no longer able to fight against the soulful rebellion that was going on inside me.

I began to experience a shift in faith as the foundation of my beliefs began to unravel. It became harder for me to attend church. Even though I would go anyway, forcing my spirit to digest words from a sermon that no longer fit into my evolving faith. It felt as if being a Christian no longer seemed to define me. As a matter of fact, I was becoming a Christian skeptic. I started to have trouble accepting church doctrines and the notion that the Holy Bible was inerrant. The problem was God no longer fit perfectly into the charismatic Pentecostal box I once held Him in.

I began to embrace doubt hoping that God will never abandon me, and allowing myself to grow comfortable with the idea of questioning God. On the journey to settle my qualms with God, I have found a benevolent loving Being who has more than enough room to welcome my doubts and evolving beliefs. I have found a God that preferred I genuinely loved Him. Instead of being driven to serve Him out of fear. What I have found is a God much bigger than I ever imagined.

Books For Those Who Are Struggling With Doubts In their Faith:

Faith Shift By Kathy Escobar

What We Talk About When We Talk About God by Rob Bell

The Skeptical Believer: Telling Stories to Your Inner Atheist by Daniel Taylor

P.S. I have no affiliations with Amazon or the author of these books. Just wanted to share books that I have found helpful in my spiritual journey.