When we look over our lives we can often equate each period to a brief season. Though, at the moment it was difficult to see past it. We now know each season we've endured has shaped and molded us into the person we've become.
Young and in love.
I used to be in a perpetual conversation with God, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep.
I feared God and loved him with all my heart. At night I'd pray for God to have our our hearts knitted together so that He and I will become one. Wanting nothing more but for my will to be aligned with His.
Love in God was all I knew.
I lived for God.
I breathed for God.
Then, I met him. The man of my dreams (sounds cheesy, but true). I couldn't have dreamed of a better soulmate. Never, would I have thought I'd fall in love so deeply. Through him I learned what it was to truly know love.
A relationship ordinated by God.
How is this possible? Doesn't the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous [wo]man availeth much?
We planned our whole entire future together. And in four short years it was gone. Life gradually overcome by the slow, silent death of cancer.
But it wasn't suppose to happen this way. Not according to my prayers. I prayed in faith that the God that I have come to know and love so intimately would bring healing. A prayer I knew wasn't too big or too powerful for God to answer. After all, this man was also one of God's good and faithful servants.
There was no way God will turn his back on me. No not this time, I needed Him. And yet...
God. Did. Not. Answer.
And as if the burden of continuing life without him was to light a burden to carry. About six months later, I get a phone call, my father just passed away.
But prayers aren't suppose to work this way. I had much more than a mustard seed sized faith, God shouldn't have had any struggle to move these mountains.
Yet, the mountains remained. Conquered by doubt, my faith in God had been crushed.
Angry (yet afraid) to confront God, I refused to pray. And the distance between myself and God grew.
Our hearts no longer knitted together.
For years there was nothing but silence between myself and God. Yet, somehow I've tried to hold on to an ounce of hope. Going to church yet feeling spiritually numb.
It was in this period my spirituality began to reform and take on a new shape.
I began to reexamine my own personal values which lead to a crisis of my Christian faith. Confronted with skepticism and doubt my christian beliefs were constantly being challenged. Going to church grew increasingly uncomfortable. As I continued to find myself in the midst of sermons that no longer coincided with my evolving beliefs.
It was interesting how being dead to my once deeply held Christian beliefs area awakened me to a deeper meaning of faith and spirituality.
Now, I am on the path to spiritual revival. I understand that what my faith may look like today may deter from what I was brought up to believe, and I am okay with that.
I am working on defining what spirituality now means to me.
Allowing myself to open up and explore. To see the face of God in what doesn't always have to be within an organized religion.
I am reframing my beliefs on who (and what) I once believed God to be.
I am on the road to a spiritual revival.